Here is my first 2022 painting!
It's a lifelong question,why should we need emotions? Emotions always appeared messy, disorderly, harmful and a hindrance to productivity.
I perceived emotional expression as a weakness and a call to abuse. I thought, if I don't feel anything, I won't be harmed, no matter what happens to me, therefore, I'm above anything that can happen and will never be a victim, no matter what. I could be percieved as a victim from the outside if someone else harms or abuses me but in reality, I won't be bothered the least, I won't even feel concerned.
If I deny all emotions, they don't exist. Who would want to expose blood to the predatorial world to devor your guts anyways? No blood, no victim. No blood, no life, no human...
What does being authentic have to do with accepting others?
But how do you connect with your true nature?
How do you tell if you are being yourself?
Why is self-discovery so important?
Embracing My Essence
This is the title of my only 2020 painting. I created it in the tiny apartment I lived in with my soul mate. I wanted to express the discovery of authenticity as my new home and as the symbol of the unique relationship that was unfolding with my beloved companion as a result of embracing my nature.
I treasure his presence in my life as a precious gift.
I didn't know how to illustrate this concept, so I did like usual. I trusted my inituition and painted.
I find the outcome interesting. The pointed edge reminds of an arrow piercing through a fabric displaying a fascinating outerspace universe. The eye represents the reflection of the discovery and exposure of the true inner self.
It is the beginning of a new experience.
It is the product of decades of trial and errors, searching, experimenting, risking, discomfort, doubting, evolving, etc. Living life to it's fullest at the best of my knowledge, awareness and capacities. It's is not the best but it is my best and would not change anything.
What follows are the different stages I went through that led to this beautiful fortune.
My original fallacy
From as far as I can remember, I was obsessed on understanding how the human mind works to find a fail proof solution to make every human the best version they could be, so they can enjoy existence to it's fullest.
I was convinced that no matter the severity of trauma or hardships someone experienced, there had to be a way for them to access happiness, peace, serenity and fulfillment. I wanted to uncover the formula to open this access to everyone, no matter what.
It became my life obsession and it developed in the urgency of finding the solution for everyone's problems and difficulties. In emergency mode, I was in alert full time, restless, and disconnected from my own identity, needs and desires. So much that I didn't even believe I was human, I didn't know how to communicate and interact with others, I just wanted to fix their life. My goal was to start living my own life and enjoy it only after I fixed everything around me.
In fact, I allowed myself to have some kind of existence in secret, never openly. I believed that humans were all too fragile, too vulnerable and needed assistance for everything since they were so helpless.
I believed I was their only hope and that I was so powerful that it might be a serious threat and danger for humanity if I dared living openly. They might not be capable of sustaining this and I would be responsible for irreversible damage, possibly fatal.
It was too serious to risk that much, so I preferred to continue analyzing and searching for the truth and solutions.
Being socially deficient, I also believed that in order to integrate and succeed at anything in society, I had to learn to communicate and interact.
So I decided to work in restaurants to have access to as many different humans to observe, learn and practice social interactions. I thought I might learn to become human too.
The consequences of following a flawed premise
People became a heavy burden. I just hoped to find the solutions so I could rest at last and start living my life and discover what is meant for me.
I drifted in and out of psychosis, on and off medication, from confusion to nothing, from divine missions to numbness, from overwhelmed to emptiness. It struck me, who was I really in all that? Was I just an amalgam of symptoms, that once neutralized, I become nothing? It always felt like all or nothing. The all was an intense restless disconnected rush. The nothing was neutral restful empty calm. Did I really have to choose between these only two options?
I wanted to know who I was but also learn to interact and communicate with others. My only language was fixing problems, finding solutions, saving the helpless humans. I wanted to connect but I put myself apart by wanting to fix others to then live my own life apart from them. I could not see this inconsistency at the time.
Mental fatigue and factual necessities enforces a new approach
I grew tired of those cycles and decided to forget about my identity and everything, take my medication and isolate in work because I was financially wrecked and distressed with no stability.
I found the perfect partner who worked all the time and who didn't bother me for not talking and appreciated how devoted I was for working so hard. We opened a restaurant together and worked hard. That's what I wanted. I already hated working in restaurants before opening ours, but being a co-owner offered new opportunities and experiences that made it interesting and beneficial for discovering and developing new skills, aptitudes and knowledge.
So much that four years later I knew for the first time what I would really love doing for a living. It was all the aspects of creativity, problem solving and vast possibilities of usefulness it could offer that made it so attractive to me. It had to do with technology and computers.
I thought that my relationship with my partner was the best fit for me because I didn't feel forced to talk and communicate since I still couldn't figure how to. It was also perfect because I could indulge in work. I felt sheltered.
But I was in admiration of people having long talks together expressing themselves and connecting and I thought that maybe one day, I would become a human too and find how to do this.
My partner never pressured me but would express how lonely he felt and how he wished I would talk with him. It made me so sad and distressed because I was so clueless on how to do this. I wanted so much to give him what he needed but all I could do is compensate by doing more actions that I thought could help in other ways and give him others things that might please him. It just created a deeper gap.
We both wanted the best for each other but could not connect. I didn't know who I really was, what I wanted in life and felt simply like a numb and empty object. The best thing I thought to do was to just do everything that I could to offer what I observed that my partner needed, and maybe compensate for my inability to communicate. I was sincere in this approach. I thought that was how a relationship worked. I didn't feel anything about anything anyways. Nothing would make any difference for me so might as well serve for someone else.
We got married in October 2013, and we proceeded in 2014 to try having children. These were important goals for him, and I was pleased to give it to him even if it didn't mean anything to me. Because of the medication I took, I had to consult the psychiatry maternity department before getting pregnant. I was referred to a therapy center for psychotic adults.
I got pregnant in 2014 and had an endless miscarriage experience, fully aware of carrying the dead fetus for 5 months after learning at 12 weeks that it was dead, until it was finally removed. I also developed the Hashimoto autoimmune disease causing hypothyroidism but discovered this 3 years later.
I still was fixated to give my partner a child but never got pregnant again. I continued working even more for the restaurant while also going through therapy.
I have a team of therapist that works with me; a psychiatrist, a psychoanalyst and a psychosocial worker. This center happens to be a real blessing. A neutral place where I can talk as many time about things that can't be said otherwise. Taking out what is buried helps me to a progressive awareness and improvement.
Ultimate roadblock for vital awareness
In January 2017, we sold the restaurant and I had already hit a wall health wise in October 2016, so that was good timing. I was excited to start working on things I loved, but quickly realized I had to rest because I was to exhausted to even understand a simple sentence.
I decided to celebrate my 40th birthday in February 2017 by doing something I feared. It was painting. It became a new passion and ally in therapy but also, an ideal communication channel for me. In June 2017, I finally saw an endocrinologist who diagnosed me with Hashimoto.
I was invalidated officially for my inability to perform any work. It was a time when I was forced to focus only on recovery and self-care. I had to let go of everything else. I physically felt like my life was over, and I was fine with it. I still wanted to do so much, but felt at peace and satisfied because I knew I held nothing back all my life.
I thought that if I would spend the rest of my life invalid, I would do the best with what I had and at least be a comforting presence to those around me.
In 2018, after a year of treating Hashimoto, with a diet prescription instead of medication, I started feeling just good enough to resume some activities. I went back to the gym and started a vocational training as an IT network specialist but part time because of my limitations.
My spouse had reopened a restaurant and I started helping him, even if I told him I wouldn't be involved in this restaurant. When I'm with someone, it is important for me to help him the best I can.
At the start of 2019, I was tired of the disconnection between my spouse and I, so I decided it was the year that I would fix this. But again, I was misled because I kept it for myself and took full responsibility for it because it never occurred to me to communicate.
In therapy, I finally decided to open the conversation on this in September because my psychoanalyst asked me to talk about something I never told anyone. I didn't know what to talk about that day, that's why she suggested this. I sincerely wanted to find a solution to connect with my spouse but by simply starting to talk about it, it clearly struck me that this could not be fixed. I understood that our differences did not connect us but drew us apart.
He wanted things that, by being honest, I had to admit I didn't want. What I wanted didn't align with anyone I had met in my life anyways, so I thought I just had to adapt. I thought I had to adapt in all points in order to be with people.
Finally, we were incompatible. Despite our best intentions and affection we had for each other we were so far apart.
I felt liberated, clear and calm in my mind from accepting this difficult recognition.
But I was also sad that it took so much time to understand this and to now having to admit this to him. I was sad for not having achieved what I wanted for this relationship and realizing it was not suitable for our respective needs and nature.
I can also acknowledge that this relationship served us in its unique way. We were great work partners with the same work ethic. The restaurant was what we shared but out of this project, there was not much left. It also served to offer a sheltered space for stability I never was able to have before.
I was scared but knew I had to speak up because it would have been dishonest to stay. The conversation started in October and in November we decided on some details for our separation as how we would continue helping each other in a gradual process of coming apart. We had been together for 13 years.
I just wanted to be totally alone and only focus on the living and discoverying further my truth, passions and meaningful purpose I became aware of for the first time in my life.
Acceptance releases abundance
I was now accepting that most of the things I thought I should be changing or adapting to others were not to be changed because it was who I was at my core. I could not imagine finding anyone who could fit with how I was, so I accepted to continue solo and dedicate to what was important to me.
In December 2019, I unexpectedly discovered that there indeed existed someone with who I felt at home, with who everything flowed naturally and freely. We had a coffee together on December 21st 2019.
I moved in with him in his tiny apartment in February 2020.
It's been 2 years now since our first coffee with the result of exponential progress for each of our respective lives and an exceptional relationship experience I thought could not exist in reality. It just gets better every day and is very real.
My weaknesses are supported by his differences and his weaknesses are supported by my differences. Our common traits, desires and ambitions create a fabulous harmony and progress booster.
We since moved in a bigger apartment which we organized in our dream living environment. There is absolutely nothing conventional, apart, let's say, the bathroom. We feel rich, privileged, thankful and lucky.
I have entered my true realm and discovering all it's potential.
The search was over, I can now thrive.
Crucial remnant to address for uninterrupted momentum
The desire to contribute to help others remains.
But I was still scared to harm others outside my home who might not understand my intents and message.
Since I didn't need anything else anymore, I was content being authentic with my soul mate.
I just realized earlier this week how since childhood I was so off in my approach and understanding of life.
My plan was disoriented and backwards.
I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others but focused only on the technical aspects of fixing their life and focused only on that.
People have emotions and this just complicates everything by bringing so much confusion and misunderstanding when it's the feelings that control every action and interpretations.
I disregarded the need to address my nature and needs, perceived myself as a mere detail to be addressed after achieving the duty I carried for others. That's because I knew I could handle anything but believed others couldn't.
I wanted to learn how to communicate and interact but I put a wall between me and others by giving them the role of a problem to be solved and cast aside before allowing myself to exist.
I wasn't able to recognise that for interaction, there also needed to be simultaneous existence of the two parties involved.
I was now experiencing this coexistence with my soul mate but I hit a road block after trying to figure clever ways to share my paintings and correlated messages without outright sharing and letting people decide if it was good for them or not.
I keep having tons of mental notifcations warning mw how my communication could be interpreted as harmful and ill intented.
When I started painting, I quickly realized how my work became a compelling way to connect with people because I could see how it resonated singularly with most.
I understood that it could become my way of communicating powerful messages that people could adjust to their individuality. I could make a difference and communicate through my paintings.
But I was still trying to over analyze who was capable of encountering my insights without being hurt and endangered. I wanted to be sure that what I said was clear enough to be understood as I meant it. I was over selective for where and to whom I would share.
I got entangled in endless details.
My authenticity still felt like a threat to the outside world.
What it means to be genuine
This week, it became clear to me how authenticity works, is expressed and non-selective.
Authenticity treats people as capable to deal with the expression of other's authenticity.
Authenticity trusts that each individual is ultimately responsible of their own problems and are the only ones with the power to solve them at their own pace and their own manner.
Authenticity is concerned to be true not to micro manage how it is understood by everyone.
It trusts that the people it is meant for will receive what they need the way they need it.
What my authentic self is not for others
What my authentic self can be for others
What it is for me
- The way to contribute at scale and with greater impact.
- The way to connect to my purpose.
- The way to connect with others.
- Naturally filters out the unnecessary and not meant for me.
What prevents from being authentic
For me it was trying to fix others just to be free to live peacefully knowing others live well too. It was a chore and didn't allow me to make a difference. It was the fear of letting people down and that I was responsible to save them.
For others it can be any other fear and distorted perception of self and others.
I also understand that I will never fix all the problems of the universe but if I live openly, I will at least have the chance to impact the one's that are meant to be impacted. It can have a ripple effect with time and make some good through confident expression.
I don't know to what scale it can reach but it is a duty to be real openly to allow what is meant to happen through it.
I can let go of the idea of fixing everything, focus on my true identity and let things happen naturally.
People are more capable than I would think and they can understand things their way with better results than by me doing it for them.
It can even facilitate interactions by removing the burden of fixing problems and just being a calm and trusting presence. It gives back to others the power for their own lives which is more sustainable and gratifying for them.
I can humbly accept that I will not fix everything but by being open, I will at least not rob the one's who can benefit from the good they could get.
The major obstacle to authenticity is fear not confronted. Every fear we decide to overcome brings us closer to discovering our identity.
~ Maryse aka Amoritz
How do you tell if you are being yourself
I notice a major difference for when I'm aligned with my purpose and when I get off track.
Every time I stumble back to savior mode, I'm back to a stressful urgency behaviour that disconnects me from my reality but also from the reality of others and my surrounding. I'm confused and overwhelmed into a million details.
But when I get back to authenticity, I reconnect, I'm calm with a clear sense of direction.
It is sometimes subtle, so I need to stay vigilant. I'm getting more aware with time.
What being authentic has to do with accepting others and letting go with trust
I'm able to start trusting the world will not fall apart if I don't hold it together. It is capable and will find a way, or not.
If someone is offended and uncomfortable with my authenticity, it is also a good thing because maybe eventually, this might be the start for something better for them that they do not perceive today, or not. I will trust this too.
I do not need to shelter them because I rob growth opportunities from them or others. And if it does nothing for them, I trust they will have their own way for a better life, or not. It is in their hands.
Not everyone will and can understand what I have to offer and who I am, and I don't and won't be able to understand everyone either.
That's how it is. The mind is so complex, so no reason to add to it by insisting on having our intentions understood as we want them to be, because we aren't even capable to do it for our self sometimes, let alone others.
It took me forever to understand my own intentions, motivations, desires, passions, strengths, weaknesses, capacities, personality, humanity, etc. I'm guessing it's a journey for everyone at different levels.
One thing is sure is that no one can take this journey for us, and we cannot take it for others. We don't have to relate the same way with everyone, or even relate at all, or maybe just for a time. I just will trust and hope that the people who I cannot do anything good for and who cannot do anything good for me, or with who there is no more to be exchanged for now, will find better else where to progress in their own unique way.
Their journey might be difficult to understand and maybe even to accept for me but I cannot deem it in any way. How could I, there are so many factors at play.
This is why I can understand that others can't all understand and accept my own path. I'm letting go with peace and focus on reality, as much as I can tell. I'm so easily fooled by my own mind too.
I'm only responsible to fill the role I have the best I can and the rest will work as it should and would.
Why being an authentic person is important
Authenticity is the key to the success of my life, relationships, projects, influence and impact.
There are many other factors of course, but authenticity is fundamental for deep fulfillment in all aspects of life. Not just going through the motions and looking good and acceptable from the outside.
The world will burn if it will, despite my best efforts against it. It won't stop me from doing my best, but my ultimate will be only through authenticity.
I will continue to stumble and resort to the savior mode every once in a while, I just realized that I just did this a few days ago again! But that's fine. I'm also progressing and gaining awareness.
Some changes happen fast and others take long. I'm willing to take both. The longer one's have the benefit of uncovering many new discoveries and improvements.
My hope is that everyone can discover and embrace their own true nature for their best life and the benefit of humanity.
My hope is that everyone will embark in this wonderful journey of connection with self and others in their unique way.
Imagine how beautiful the world could be.
Tell me if you gained any helpful insights through this article.
Let me know what this painting evokes for you and where you are in your self-discovery journey in the comments!
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