This month it's Halloween! I got the idea of a skeleton hand coming out of a hole helped by a spider.
Then, I saw a video of someone saying she experienced a phenomenon named the rise of Kundalini. I had never heard of this, so I made a little research. I was stoked!
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My yearning for connection
What got me curious was that the woman in the video was talking about how she felt after her experience. She explained that she reached the end of duality and gained a sense of unity with herself and her surrounding. In truth, she discovered the cause of her feeling of separation and disconnection. Hence, she now felt in harmony and whole.
Likewise, I lived most of my life disconnected with myself and reality and in psychosis many times.
As a result, I had one wish for as long as I can recall, and that wish was to exist openly. But it felt far off and unreachable.
However, the fact that I believed I wasn't a human made it impossible . I felt as if I was dropped on earth and had to adapt to humans. I needed to understand how life was to be lived as a human in order to become one. For this purpose, I had to deny all my instincts of how things had to be done, thought and expressed. Furthermore, I had to deny all that I spontanously wanted as it would render me unadaptable to the environment I was living in. Consequently, I would fail to become human.
Above all, I was convinced that my essence was flawed when relating with others. In fact, I was usually in contradiction with my sorrounding, so I spent my time forcing my adaptability and hoping I would one day, be a part of humanity too.
My leap forward
At the end of 2015, I had a shocking breakthrough. I understood that I was a human the whole time. I was really confused and ashamed to have been so off track that whole time but at last, this was a good start for progressing to my objective of existing openly.
After numerous other breakthroughs, crises and growth, I started to feel more in touch with my real essence, and strangely, I realized I knew it the whole time but thought it was a disfunction needing to be fixed.
I realized I often felt a huge gap between what I felt, desired and understood of life compared to what I see others have as a norm.
But it might just be that I'm different and that I'm maybe not in an environment that matches my ambitions and reality.
Anyhow, just understanding that I'm not a flaw to be fixed but just a different specimen is really appeasing.
Acceptation in action
I'm doing more and more things that align with my essence which in turn brings the understanding that I don't need to constantly adapt but simply just be whatever I am deep inside. The feeling of unity with reality and myself is emerging. As a result, peace with my truth is replacing the the torment. I realized that at some point, some things will not change because they cannot be changed. Even more, they need to be used as they are.
Anyways, back to the video talking about the rise of Kundalini, she didn't explain what is Kundalini. As I said, I did a little research to understand the experience.
What I found was that Kundalini is a form of divine energy represented as a coiled snake at the base of the spine. When cultivated and awakened, it will spiral up the spine through the chakras up through the third eye chakra. You then experience a spiritual liberation, a sense of peace and unity.
Illustrating the experience
In my research, I found images of a snake coming through the forehead at the level of the third eye chakra.
It inspired the change of my painting to a portrait with a spider coming out of my forehead.
The spider is a huge symbol that follows me all the time and that holds a lot of meaning and is closely related to my essence.
This painting represents the unity I am starting to experience with my true nature and the gentle process of assimilating it in my mind and spirit. Hence, this allows me to own my substance entirely to express it with no other expectation than to be true to it. Accordingly, this eliminates the need to spare and protect any other expectations from myself or others. As a matter of fact, I'm learning that other people are not as fragile and helpless as I used to think they are. This false belief was a huge reason for hiding myself to protect them. Conversely, I can now trust that they will live their own difficulties without me having to save and spare them constantly.
Let me know what this painting evokes for you in the comments!
Open Existence Surrealist painting by Maryse Gauthier 10-2019
