December 30


Reconciliation with my gender

By Maryse Gauthier

December 30, 2019

2019, December, Monthly painting

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Here is my only 2020 painting!

Since 2019, I have been in the theme of embracing my true nature. Huge changes occurred which imposed reorganization and distancing from different things.

2019 was a pivotal year of acceptation, decision and action that led to my self-discovery.

2020 was the year of entering my purpose for exponential progress.

2021 has been the year of narrowing further what my true nature is and closing the year with the decision to confront remnants of old premises to unlock my full potential.

2022 will be the year of new heights of growth, success and actualization by trusting I do not need to control how I'm interpreted to produce the good that is in my intentions. I can express my nature openly and trust it will reach those who are meant for it.

I am reconnecting with painting with joy and inspiration. My hope is to inspire more humans to embrace their own unique authenticity to bring meaning to their life and contribution to humanity.

What does being authentic have to do with accepting others?
But how do you connect with your true nature?
How do you tell if you are being yourself?
Why is self-discovery so important?
What it means to be genuine?

Embracing My Essence

This is the title of my only 2020 painting. I created it in the tiny apartment I lived in with my soul mate. I wanted to express the discovery of authenticity as my new home and as the symbol of the unique relationship that was unfolding with my beloved companion as a result of embracing my nature.

I treasure his presence in my life as a precious gift.

I didn't know how to illustrate this concept, so I did like usual. I trusted my inituition and painted.

I find the outcome interesting. The pointed edge reminds of an arrow piercing through a fabric displaying a fascinating outerspace universe. The eye represents the reflection of the discovery and exposure of the true inner self.

It is the beginning of a new experience.

It is the product of decades of trial and errors, searching, experimenting, risking, discomfort, doubting, evolving, etc. Living life to it's fullest at the best of my knowledge, awareness and capacities. It's is not the best but it is my best and would not change anything.

What follows are the different stages I went through that led to this beautiful fortune.

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My original fallacy

From as far as I can remember, I was obsessed on understanding how the human mind works to find a fail proof solution to make every human the best version they could be, so they can enjoy existence to it's fullest.

I was convinced that no matter the severity of trauma or hardships someone experienced, there had to be a way for them to access happiness, peace, serenity and fulfillment. I wanted to uncover the formula to open this access to everyone, no matter what.

It became my life obsession and it developed in the urgency of finding the solution for everyone's problems and difficulties. In emergency mode, I was in alert full time, restless, and disconnected from my own identity, needs and desires. So much that I didn't even believe I was human, I didn't know how to communicate and interact with others, I just wanted to fix their life. My goal was to start living my own life and enjoy it only after I fixed everything around me.

In fact, I allowed myself to have some kind of existence in secret, never openly. I believed that humans were all too fragile, too vulnerable and needed assistance for everything since they were so helpless.

I believed I was their only hope and that I was so powerful that it might be a serious threat and danger for humanity if I dared living openly. They might not be capable of sustaining this and I would be responsible for irreversible damage, possibly fatal.

It was too serious to risk that much, so I preferred to continue analyzing and searching for the truth and solutions.

Being socially deficient, I also believed that in order to integrate and succeed at anything in society, I had to learn to communicate and interact.

So I decided to work in restaurants to have access to as many different humans to observe, learn and practice social interactions. I thought I might learn to become human too.

What it means to be genuine

This week, it became clear to me how authenticity works, is expressed and non-selective.

Authenticity treats people as capable to deal with the expression of other's authenticity.

Authenticity trusts that each individual is ultimately responsible of their own problems and are the only ones with the power to solve them at their own pace and their own manner.

Authenticity is concerned to be true not to micro manage how it is understood by everyone.

It trusts that the people it is meant for will receive what they need the way they need it.

What my authentic self is not for others

  • Dangerous
  • Harmful

The major obstacle to authenticity is fear not confronted. Every fear we decide to overcome brings us closer to discovering our identity. 
~ Maryse - Amoritz

This is my last painting for 2019!

2019 has been an amazing year of growth way beyond my expectations. Among the things I overcame is my negative view of feminity. I struggled with this for a long time and I even felt shame for being a woman. It had a detrimental effect on my relationships in general by avoiding emotional intimacy.


My desire

I wanted to free myself from that shame and hatred to be able to appreciate my feminity. My misunderstanding of the nature of women gave me the impression I had to go against my nature to become a real woman. I witnessed abundant drama, anger, agressivity and violence, especially verbal violence, from women towards men. Consequently, this negative attitude dominated my perception of how a woman that respected herself should be. Furthermore, it created an irreconcilable conflict in my spirit.

I understand that there are injustices committed towards women by men and I have suffered violence from some men myself. but I still did not approve of solving this by humiliating them and characterizing all that is masculinity as evil. Inversely, I was now percieving all that is feminine as bad, which is no better, but I didn't know how to resolve this inconsistency. Paradoxically, it is through a men's community that I was able to eventually feel better about my gender. 

An unrelated search

I discovered John Sonmez through Simple Programmer in 2016 when I was searching for a successful programmer. My goal was to have a better understanding of what it takes to succeed in this field. Whereas, I quickly realized that his online content was broader than just tech topics. Indeed, he is very prolific on self development videos and articles. While his target audience is men in tech for whom he is committed to help succeed in all aspects of their life, women can also appreciate his advice. He personally worked hard to overcome his own anxieties and weaknesses and therefore can offer legitimate leadership.  

The unsuspected guidance

He started another community in 2019 called the Bulldog Mindset. The purpose is to share his experience and knowledge on how to break from the victim mindset and take ownership over one's life. He renders direction to improve on all levels; physically, socially, professionnally and financially. Certainly, this is pretty bold. Yet, knowing how he overcame his own obstacles and continually progresses, he has a wealth of useful experiences and advice to share that effectively helps the community. His target audience is men but women are still welcome.

He also has a huge professional, financial and online success that he built through consistent processes that he willingly shares in the group.  As I know there is plenty I can learn from his success, I decided to join the pack. Also, it was a great opportunity to get in a like-minded fraternity of high achievers to reach unforseen accomplishments. Here is what the Membership is about and a brief story of John's journey:

My motivation

Since I always want to improve and grow this decision has been very beneficial to me. It offered a positive space where I could confidently share and express my goals and objectives and be motivated and encouraged by other's progress and higher levels of success. John also depicts the differences between men and women in a very positive way to help men have better relationships with women. Even more, this helped me develop a better frame of mind about women and men both individually and in relation to each other. As a result, I improved on many aspects including, nurturing better sentiments to feminity.

The turning point

More importantly, I recognized that I had nothing to change to become a real women. I understood that the hostility I perceived in women was not a necessity. Rather, it's a symptom of different issues, wounds, misunderstandings, confusions or any other reason. Obviously, I already had everything I needed. I observed that it is not a shortcoming to appreciate my feminity. In fact, it is an asset to fully embrace these traits.

There is beauty in the differences between men and women and I believe we would all benefit from accepting those differences. Differences doesn't mean injustice and abuse on any side. Instead, accepting differences has brought more harmony in my life. I fully reconciled with my feminity when I realized how it was desirable and not victimizing to be feminine. In fact, meeting my soulmate in December 2019 was the ultimate event that revealed how fulfilling it is to endorse my nature.

My feminity manifested

My encounter with this man helped me to acknowledge the traits that characterizes my feminine identity. Definitely, I wanted to stop being ashamed of these particularities which are sensitivity, gentleness, tenderness, devotion, receptivity and kindness. Such a personality can appear as being weak and lacking character. Evidently, some situations require other responses than that. But this feminine distinctiveness expressed in the right context is quite satisfying. It is gratifying to find the right place to express this nature freely without feeling humiliated, abused and rediculed. Instead, these qualities are valued and celebrated in a beneficial way. This is exactly what I obtained in my relationship. This is not to say that all my other relationships were unhealthy. I guess it's the timing of my personal growth and the compatibility with my partner that gave me this security, confidence and serenity.

Gender affinities

Besides, I also have traits that are related more to masculinity like competitivity and a strong drive that is often seen as obsessivity. Men and women can share similar traits but in general, there are specific traits that are more common than others in each gender. There is no shame in this. I came to accept who I am in all ways, with my more feminine traits and also those masculine traits equally and without judgment.

The feminine symbol

Incidentally, I wanted to paint a symbol of feminity. I Googled the term feminity symbol and found that the shape of an ellipse with pointed ends was omnipresent. It represents the shape of the vulva. Subsequently, I decided to use the vulva and an eye to illustrate how I was willing to view life with my own nature and not through how I perceived others would approve of me. Indeed, This painting expresses how I finally grasped, accepted and choose to express it as my identity. 2019 has been rich in my personal development and I'm glad to close it with this strong symbol of feminity!

Let me know what this painting evokes for you in the comments!

Feminity Surrealist painting by Maryse Gauthier 12-2019

Feminity Surrealist painting by Maryse Gauthier 12-2019

About the author

As a passionate artist of the mind, I wish to stir your desire to express your authenticity, as the most generous way to exist and contribute to life.

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